SETTING THE RECORD STRAIGHT

BY STACEY HANDLER

My intentions for writing this essay are to clearly explain why I wrote "The Body Burden." First of all, I feel as though the media has not really understood the deeper meanings behind my book. I have had some really good interviews and am not speaking negatively about the media as a whole. But the people of the media who have misunderstood my book have completely failed to bring it to its proper light.

There are not many pages about Barbie in my book. Most of it is poetry; naked, straightforward words about a woman's journey with body image. My intention was to show the depth of emotion a woman feels, day in and day out regarding her relationship with her own body. What is it really like under a woman's skin?

At first, "The Body Burden" was to be solely a book of poetry and then I decided to add several autobiographical essays, as well as photographs of myself and my family and original artwork by my grandfather Elliot Handler. In those essays, I talk about my former marriage, my relationship with my grandmother, my struggle with diabetes, the difficulties I have had with various men and certain childhood experiences that affected how I related to my body at different times in my life.

Barbie is the shadow that hangs over my poetry. There are more subliminal messages about Barbie than there are literal ones. The irony of my relationship to Barbie makes the book more interesting perhaps, but it is every woman's relationship with the perfect icon that is really the focal point of  "The Body Burden."     

I am a survivor and I believe that any woman who feels any or all of the feelings in my book, is also a survivor. My words speak of pain, disillusion, vulnerability, but also love, hope, strength and courage. My poetry conveys the unspoken words that so many women feel. Women can use some of my poems as a vehicle of communication, especially with people who are critical of who they are.

Yes, it is true that my grandmother and I have not had the easiest of relationships, but when has love ever been easy?  She always wanted me to be thinner, but she never wanted me to look like Barbie. When she finally got a real glimpse into my book and how I have struggled internally for so long, she realized that my being thin on the outside was less important than my being healthy emotionally on the inside.

To be perfectly honest, my ill-fated marriage had much to do with my body image struggles. The media tends not to mention that. Let's blame it all on Barbie. Why not? It makes a good story. Let's make Stacey's relationship with her grandmother the entire reason for all of this pain. That is how some have portrayed my book and it stops here.

I have decided to put several poems from the book onto this site. I have done so in the hopes that it will show the media and the public what my book is really about.  It is difficult for me to say this, but I have considered not pushing my book anymore. Women need this book, but the media seems to only need Barbie.

There was this one article that made me feel like such a victim of circumstance. I felt like I was in Barbie's shadow all over again, but in a much worse way. This article didn't even mention the heartfelt poetry that fills these pages. My writing was unimportant to them and that article gave other media sources the idea that my book was nothing but a Barbie, Grandma Dearest circus.

I am here to tell my potential readers that this is no such book. If that is what the media and the public expects, then there will be great disappointment. This is not a book of complaining and moaning. If however you are looking for a sensitive approach to a subject that is too often handled insensitively, a companion you can carry around with you and share with your friends who experience similar feelings, words that will not judge you, a reminder that you are not alone in this war of emotions, media, men , food and so much more, then this book is for you. It is easy to read, not loaded with complicated psycho-babble and can be read in any order, according to what you need to connect with at the time.

As much as I would like to be in the public eye, I will not do it dishonestly. I tore into my soul with every poem I wrote. I dug so deep, that I almost buried myself under emotion. I wrote about experiences that I haven't even experienced, yet realized after writing about those experiences, that they did play a part in my life. Fantasizing about becoming bulimic, wishing I could just touch that certain spot in my throat where my meals would just pour out of me, wishing those horrible possibilities makes me just clear enough on eating disorders to write about them, even though I have never hugged a toilet in my life. My eating disorders are Ketosis and overeating. If you want to know more about Ketosis, read my book. To believe that Anorexia and Bulimia are the only eating disorders is foolish and untrue. "The Body Burden " is for women of all shapes and sizes.

Part of my book talks about feeling exposed and hiding behind food and a negative body image. I feel very exposed by this book, sometimes to the point where I want to hide and never read it again. But I will be reading it, in front of teens and women of all ages and all walks of life. When I am speaking in public, here are many of the messages that I try to convey and that I feel my book conveys: (Even though I mention mainly women, these messages apply to men who are struggling as well.)

Women can survive an abusive marriage or relationship and not remain an unhappy product of a wrong choice. Women can feel self love, even after losing themselves to food and an unrealistic image.

When a woman feels she has lost her voice, that is when she loses herself.

A woman's obsession with men, exercise, vomiting, starving, sex, the perfect body, midnight snacks, the imperfect reflection, loss of control and so much more is what can be found between the lines of the "Body Burden."

I am not a victim of the scale anymore. I am a beautiful, plus-sized woman and I encourage women to get off the scales and be happy. I know it is difficult, but we need to make a choice. Are we going to spend the rest of our lives trying to be something different? It is scary to be who we are. I am still scared. I am not perfect and I have learned to work with what I have. Losing weight is okay, as long as we understand that the more we obsess, the sicker we become and the more likely we are to conform to something that we are not and consequently, put the weight back again.

If you decide you want to lose weight, do not base your success rate on statistics. In my case, I discovered that 170 to 180 pounds is where I am comfortable. Why should I suffer and try to become 140 pounds just because that is where the charts say I should be, according to my height? Giving myself a much more accessible goal has lightened my load and has removed most of my psychological weight that I have been carrying.  

Stand naked in front of the mirror. Be kind to yourself. Be your own lover and friend. Realize that you are worthy of self love and that once you master that, others will gravitate towards that love and want to bask in your light.

If you are plus-size, realize that somewhere deep down a part of you wants to be. Understand that it is okay to be bigger. Maybe trying to be acceptable in the eyes of society does not ring true to the person that you really are. Try setting your own standards.

Remember how many beautiful paintings have been done of women of size. Men painted those works and obviously found real beauty in those women. Titian and Rubens are prime examples of talented artists who portrayed full-figured women in all their glory.

Eating is okay. The quickest way to cause a binging attack is to deny yourself that food that you are binging on. If you love cotton candy and you go to a carnival, denying it to yourself will only make you grab it faster and eat more of it. Have it! Enjoy yourself! You are not a prisoner of the food you crave, but you can make yourself one by treating the food as if it is your enemy, therefore giving it power to defeat you.

Do not try to change the world. Do not change for the world. Both attempts will most likely make you feel out of control and loss of control is a sure way to end up with an eating disorder. You cannot please everyone. Not every man will be attracted to you. Be true to yourself and you will draw in the right relationships for yourself, be untrue and you will draw in people who most likely will not accept you, once you get tired of the façade and decide to be you again. Always be you.

Radiate beauty from within you. As far as the outer you goes, experiment with different hairstyles and outfits. Play around with makeup and flirting. Work with what you have and be proud of it. Remember, imperfection can be very beautiful. Perfection can break too easily.

I have lived in Barbie's shadow, struggled with diabetes, an abusive marriage and I was molested at age nine, but I have triumphed and shared my joy and sorrow through the naked, raw pages of "The Body Burden." In my book, I talk about feelings and issues that people are afraid of and don't dare discuss. Well, I dared.

The poem you are about to read seems on a surface level to refer to an overweight woman. But, it is what lies beneath the surface that is so important here. A woman who is thin and believes she is heavy, hides behind a negative body image in order to protect herself from being hurt. So really, this poem is for any woman who has ever hidden and longs so badly to be found.

I hope that this poem will show the press and the public what women really go through with their complex relationships with food, men, their bodies and the difficult journey towards self acceptance.

THE SHELL

You look so lost
can't you find me?

I am over here
inside the shell
the protective layers around me.

Please come search for me
I promise, I am under here somewhere
I need to come out
but, I am afraid.

Afraid to open the curtains
afraid of what I might find
that you might be waiting for me
and that I will be naked.

Exposed to emotion
shoved inside with so many forks
will you be able to see inside
or will I be merely fog to your searching eyes?

Will you make me open up to you
and if you do,
how will it feel?

It's been so long since I've cried
or laughed and meant it
my fat has sheltered me
from fingers that tickle.

Come into my shell
I need to feel your hands
all over me like blankets of rain.

Come in where I've kept myself warm
see where all the food has gone
into the hole
that I've never really been able to fill.

Come see the desert inside me
the sand of all my uncried tears
the trees that kept me from being burned.

Hold me while I cry
let me know I am safe
to show you who I am
and that you have fears too.

If I let you find my secret places
if I become myself like never before
will you rock me to sleep
until I am just a baby in your arms?

Will you love me completely
knowing that I am incomplete
unable to love myself sometimes?

I am here
come find me.

Let me take you inside
to where the food goes,
and I hide.